(forgot I wrote this a year or two ago. Still makes me laugh)
Ok internet time for a history lesson. Now I just found out about this guy today and if i get anything wrong i apologize. In any case though I want to bring forth some information about a bonafide bad-ass here. This guy was a hardcore general, and is considered one of the greatest generals ever. The dude’s name is Subutai. That’s it, we don’t even know what year he was born, it was believed to be 1175 but were still not sure. so already this guy’s a fucking ninja, or a wizard take your pick.
Secondly this guy was the primary strategist and general for Genghis Khan. So they were technically bros. Basically this guy was fucking Darth Vader to Genghis Khan’s emperor. These two were close to the point where Subutai said to Khan, “I will ward off your enemies as felt cloth protects one from the wind” talk about some intense shit.
Still not convince internet? well let me introduce you to his motherfucking resume of violence, pillaging and all around badassery. Subutai directed over twenty campaigns for the mongol empire. in those campaigns he conquered thirty two nations and won over sixty five battles. Now your probably asking yourself how in the Sam hell could he have done all of this in a lifetime. that’s the thing we don’t know. he conquered more territory than any other commander in history…HISTORY as in the past of fucking existence of everything. he made strategies that were so sophisticated that he took down armies that were hundreds of kilometers away from each other. for example he destroyed the armies of Hungary and Poland within two days of each other. these forces were over five hundred kilometers apart. on top of this he lost a 1000 men out of 40,000… This guy clearly defined the term of fucking shit up. Seriously he was like a tidal wave of destruction. Michael Bay could make a movie from this guy and it would be two hours of explosions.
Finally he was scheming his dastardly awesome plan near the end of his life to invade THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE. but was only stopped when Ogedi Khan died, Gengis Khan’s third son. Ogedi’s death prevented the possible invasions of Austria, Germany, Italy, France, and Spain. I mean, Jesus dude seriously this guy could have ran the whole world back than. but he died before his plans could be realized.
when this happened the mongels pimped back to the homeland to mourn the OG known as Ogedi. But our main man Subutai was like “Yo what the shit!? Thought we were invading son” and the rest of the Mongols were like “Nah man” So Subutai decided to retreat his badassery away somewhere around the Tuul River. where he had amazing dreams of being a gangster till he passed away from the only thing that could kill him. old age.
So I raise my beer mug to you Subutai you vicious, strategic, mountain of destruction and epicness. If there ever is a movie based off you I want it to be Liam Neeson and Chow Yun Fat. That’s right I said it. It takes two bad-ass actors to equal this ultimate bad ass.